Trans Without Politics

 After some rest and Pokémon Go, I'll look up the monster.

 On purpose, like how one of my favorite games is Dank Souls 3. I watched Game Grumps play Left for Dank. On the weekends I'm playing Dungeons and Dankgons. Just heavily force the word into everyday lexicon.

This honestly was the original topic I've wanted to discuss for months but the local group here was placed on hiatus cause not enough participates and being banned from the one active duty trans mil group (that's a good new topic of discussion, cohesion of support groups) I had only a few close friends and disconnected family members to talk too. I understand this can legitly be a sensitive and triggering conversation. It does for me. But having those moments of internal strength to want to talk about a horrible event in your life comes every so often. It's why I vanished off the discord chat for a week, had a moment of weakness and needed to work on myself offline. I won't get into extreme details, but as close too generalities as possible.

I'm not asking anyone else to share what they're uncomfortable with, but I would like to share some of my experiences and patterns I've had to live with.

Funny thing about HRT for me, my memory has gotten much more sharper and detailed. Repressed and hidden memories have come to the foreground and have given me a few terrible nights and social embarrassments. One particular night while playing Werewolf with my Open Circle (pagans) and LARP friends, I was talking with the high priestess of our pack (in character) until another friend (out of character) screamed out of the blue. High pitched, startling, you name it. Everyone froze up to look at her, than I realized everyone was staring at me. I started to violently shake and start bawling. The friend who screamed ran over to me and held me for a while. We walked outside and told her what happened. A month prior I was working through three events in my life: my senior boss person threatening me to be kicked out of the army for being a trans woman, 2 years before that listening and watching young officers making open threats of **** and murder of trans people while in the dining facility while on a deployment whereas the TV was playing the Navy Seal interview about her coming out that lasted for a few months until we came back to the states, and finally when I was between 9 and 11 years old I was taken by a neighborhood boy and did some things to me and tried to make me do things to him. I explained this to her, that I'm trying to work through it amd for some reason that pitch of scream rushed those memories and events to me as if I was reliving them again. It's the weirdest thing in the world, whereas all of a sudden you're in an old and familiar place you don't want to ever see again and hearing those voices, smelling the body odor and old buildings and you have no say in the matter but letting it happen.

Thankfully I was working through it all, everything was being taken cared of. Then it was September 23 2016. For right now all I can say is that a guy did take advantage of me while fairly drunk. It's been the worst moment in my entire career, and as my new senior leader told me: "even after 20 years after my assault, you don't fully recover but you have those moments that remind you what happened, they got you less frequently as time passes." Here it is 5 months after the event, this time I did officially report it and still groing through that fight. I'm not better, but I'm not hiding as much. I'm not super distrustful of males, and more importantly I'm fighting my previous urges of self harm. Despite being 2nd generation raised in America without a significant Palestinian influence, women being sexually assaulted and then shamed are still very prevalent in my upbringing. So fighting that feeling that I've shamed my family and name, because I didn't deserve it.

Everything written here is personal experience. This was both a success and not a success coming out, it'll be different based on various variables. This definitely was my way about things and may not work for you. This is probably similar to trans men coming out cause it's not gender specific on coming out, it's mostly cultural issues.



Historical ramping to what was my official coming out standard.

1. Called my sister one day, eluded to some personal feelings to help hint her that I'm not a boy. She didn't get it, I said that I feel like I'm supposed to have born female. She got excited. Done.

2. Online, I would either have a male or gender neutral profile because I wasn't ready to hunt at my dysphoria or being seen as trans. Eventually I joined a couple of support groups that are trans focused and used female profile details and be all out. Coming out to people online isn't a biggie to me. I'll never see them in person or I want to have an irl relationship (friend, lover, sexual partner without emotional attachments, etc).

3. In person, drinking to the point of crying over every damn thing while maintaining an itemized list to maintain a simple format. Why? I was fairly suicidal and didn't trust anyone because I wasn't seeking any form of help. Period. This approach was for family members, not friends or co-workers.  List was for maintaining a simple Q&A whereas I felt in control to discuss what I felt was important. Drunk cause I would have chickened out.

4. In person with friends and coworkers,  one on one conversation that left out a lot of details that I would give family. So for my supervisor over a year ago, I told him at a parking lot randomly one day cause policy change was going to happen. He told his boss, my boss' boss. So I'm and so forth and formally those in the need to know, knew. Co-workers, private conversion. One guy was asking me why was I looking like a skeleton (mass muscle loss when starting hrt and never saw him for nine months either), all I told him was I'm on meds and it's normal.

5. 12+ Months on HRT, there wasn't coming out. Because I started having longer hair, more visually seen breasts and strong female body language there wasn't a need for coming out. I wasn't hiding or anything at this stage. Now IF my trans status gets called out or someone out here is in need of help as a trans person without care, I'll out myself. I pass maybe half the time, if that! But no one purposely calls me out or calls me derogatory names or rumors about me so there hasn't been a need for my trans status to come into play unless it's to help someone else who is needing to transition.

I do hope this helps a little. Going from hyper scared pre-all the things person into this fairly confidant but still worried woman at 14 months HRT has made a significant difference on coming out versus not.

Done! And wonderful idea!

Edit: okay, so on my phone cause no computer out here. Long story. When I used the code on my app just shows a blank screen with a warning of 50 new messages since 1 Jan 2015. How do I even?

Matthew, the last insight now that I'm thinking of it from her. I thought my mom would be happy for me, after 5 years of her learning what trans means and slowly changing her pronouns she calls me. Basic stuff. Welp at about June 2016, at five months HRT, she realized this wasn't a phase. She slowly seemed like she's going to go full love mode on me. Wrong. Two things happened that made her realize how much she's 1. Hurt me and 2. How similar we are.

About early September 2016 we had this great conversation until she brought up the fact she is really happy I wasn't born female. Well I let go some of that niceties and asked what she mean? Goes on about her explosive monthly cycles (explosive is the closest I can get without being graphic) and how she wishes all her children were boys. So I unload on her about my dreams since elementary school how I wanted to be like her. A soldier and a mother of many kids. Well... we walked away with her crying and trying to make me understand having a cycle that's two stages below pain levels of having an ovarian cyst rupture (she never had it but brings it up to deter me) and I end the convo with how I'd rather have the ability to having one violently painful pregnancy whereas I'm physically harmed and not my newborn over living an entire lifetime waiting and praying modern day science can help develop womb transplants so I can have my one child without both social crazies come after me as well as getting messed with at work.
The second I won't discuss on here yet because I'm still recovering myself. But we stopped talking since. When I role play as a male she was thrilled but as a female she is pretty much written outta my life. Haven't heard from her since September except to send me a money order for Yule. More involved than that but that's all I'll get out tonight.

Background:  With the recent transgender ban that's been lifted in the United States Armed Forces, people still got questions and issues and problems and complaints and that's where myself (and I hope others in the near future) can help fill in the gap. There are other groups who have been talking about this subject and two of those groups I'm an alumni with. What this is, is, people who're in the complex and messed up gender marker process and exception to policy packet users; well I like to help since I've completed my gender marker update on military systems and can give insight. Sadly I'm stuck in the ROK until later this year so what I've witnessed and lives through this first year of trans policy is focused and understood here in the Korean peninsula. Which means I can't give exact answers if y'all out at Germany, Afghanistan or Hood. Got friends out there, but that's it. I'll be using military jargon so I do apologize for those who need a translation on what this or that means.

What's the purpose: Just helping those who're American service members who're seeking help on understanding without needing to out y'alls selves until you're ready. I know a lot but not everything. I'm here to help.